Personal Account
Here you can find a personal account from Anna, 35 years old
How did you experience the first few months after giving birth? How did you notice that you weren’t feeling well?
I experienced the first few months after the birth as a huge challenge and a time full of change. The birth process was different from what I had imagined and I felt at the mercy of others and had no control. Even during the pregnancy, I wasn’t looking forward to the baby and this feeling only got stronger after the birth. I wasn’t feeling well physically and I was completely overwhelmed mentally. Symptoms of my postpartum depression appeared immediately; I felt like my child was a burden and had no emotional bond with him.
What thoughts do you particularly remember from this time?
I especially remember wanting my old life back and thought about how I could reverse everything. I never referred to the little one by his name in the beginning, instead only as ‘’baby’’ or ‘’child’’. I was no longer me but no one else either. These thoughts and the feeling of being trapped in between triggered a lot of existential dread in me.
Many women feel under a lot of pressure in the early days after having a baby. How was it for you? What particularly put you under pressure?
The pressure to do everything right was enormous. Before the birth, I had set myself extremely high standards — breastfeeding, cloth diapers, home-cooked porridge — but the reality was completely different. I didn’t live up to my ideals at all, and combined with my physical and emotional pain, this made me a failure in my own eyes. The therapy I started helped me to reduce this pressure and set more realistic expectations for myself.
Some women report having ambivalent feelings towards their baby. Have you felt this too?
Yes, my feelings were very ambivalent. On the one hand, I looked after my child and always made sure that he had everything he needed, but on the other hand, I had strong obsessive thoughts and even looked into adoption options. These ambivalent feelings were very tormenting for me.
Did you receive treatment in the form of outpatient or inpatient therapy afterwards?
Yes, the ambivalence described and my own suicidal thoughts were ultimately the reasons for an acute admission. I was in inpatient and semi-inpatient therapy for half a year and then in outpatient treatment for a year. The diagnosis was initially a burden, but ultimately became a relief because it made me realize that I was not alone with my condition.
Who was particularly close to you during your postpartum depression?
During this time, the therapists were the ones who were closest to me. My family could not understand or support my situation. My husband was present and helped me in everyday life, but emotionally I felt very alone and misunderstood.
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